I got married at twenty-five because I wanted a family. Meyer and I tossed baby names in our daydreams since nineteen. I wanted four while he would say, "stop at two". When we got married and continued with our travels (and indulgences), he realized that he is not ready for a baby. We were young and our lives should be celebrated right now. The sheltered belief of enjoying life at retirement is not applicable anymore especially when we saw how my mum's cancer wrecked her golden years (and ours). We want to enjoy today like it was the last and that drew upon our current lifestyle. Saving for retirement is critical and so while luxuriating, we still must have the far-fetched future in mind.
People always think that life events will fall in place. I, too, felt that EVERYTHING in my life will fall in place. We will play, study, work, date, get married, have children, grow old and die peacefully. What a dream huh.
That is when we decided to keep protected for a year. A year passed and we were relishing in our marriage; without the duty of being parents. Meyer was loving his life so much, he thought it might be a good idea being childless! Wow! Sports Cars! Travels! Private Home! All the money for our own merriment! His wife wanted a baby though so he okay-ed. But Stop At One! *haha* "They are money suckers!" he would say. We didn't know then that One may be all we can ever wish for.
We were so sure a child will come our way since we lifted our 'ban'. 2008 ... 2009 ... 2010 ... 2011 ... with every 365 days, we were still childless. My husband's philosophy of life was becoming true while I sunk into the deep. We sought help from Chinese and Western medical practices. It did not help when my mum's dying wish was to have a grandchild. Gosh was I pressured with everything going on in my life.
2009
- Mother stressing for a grandchild
- Gynecologist says let nature takes its course- Gynecologist finally being convinced to check on Meyer
- Results: Not Good
- Gynecologist did not check on me
- Requested for IUI
- Husband disagreed
- Went TCM: I am too 'cold' while Meyer's too 'hot'
- Quit job
- Mother had cancer relapse
- Full-body check up suggested I had possibilities of ovarian cancer
- Start school
- Volunteer
- Volunteer
- Mother stressing for a grandchild
- Saw the Chinese doctor every week for daily dosage of medication
- Gave up
- Got stressed by in laws, not for conceiving but to be the 'mother' of their second son's new-born because every one needs to work (except me cause all I do is to go to school, volunteer and care for my ailing mother)
- I was assigned to bath, feed, play, clean the baby when he was born
- I was assumed the task of planning the baby's first month party
- I was pulled into the discussion of how their two dogs are to disappear in their lives because the baby is more important
- Oh Piss Off. Seriously affected.
- Oh Piss Off. Seriously affected.
- Saw a fertility doctor
- Him: little live sperms
- Her: (1) endometriosis, (2) right side of reproductive system not functioning at all, (3) womb not conditioned for baby, (4) uterus not in correct position, (5) vaginal entry not straight, (6) has a perpetual virus in body
- I need an operation to condition my reproductive system for conceiving
- Meyer says if God wants it this way, don't go against nature. He is not for assisted insemination or any operation that risked my health.
- Fertility doctor said even if I managed to conceive (miraculously), the whole pregnancy will be high-risk. My body will naturally expel the baby through contractions.
- "By the way", she added "due to the position of your womb, you can't get fertilized because his sperms will never reach your egg. There is only but one way. Your position of love-making needs to change."
2011
- Spent every week day in the hospital as mother's condition took a turn for the worse
- Father's never around
- Could not handle my anger and sadness on my own anymore
- Could not go for school examinations because mother was very sick
- Turned to counselling
- In June, Mother passed away
- In July, went to Australia for a holiday
- In August, returned to work
- In September, a miracle happened
miracle |ˈmirikəl|nouna surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency
Meyer's ability to fertilize is dropped by half because of his condition. While my ability to produce an egg for fertilization is dropped by three-quats because I have only my left side to depend on plus all the other reproductive issues. The most likely way for us to have a baby is to be assisted. So how did this precious gift end up on our laps when we weren't even trying?
We are so lucky to be bestowed upon this tiny miracle who is kicking me now. It is not explainable by natural or scientific laws. My gynecologist's (the fertility doctor) first words was, "this is a miracle". The stars are watching over me.
She went through our visits with,
"this baby is so strong"
"the heartbeat is so prominent"
"it is a fighter"
I went through miserable days, forgetting to count our blessings. I felt sick, useless, unloved, pain and everything that screamed negativity. The uneventful happenings stalked me every day and I was mournful, despondent, forlorn...
I am back on the road now, slowly but surely. Hearing that mj is fighting for his/her life makes me work doubly hard to ensure that he/she is safe in me.
19W5D Today!
Thats life... god just want to tell on you how much u want a bb.. and both of u jsut prove to him tat u wanted one... sincerely.. :)
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