An Intriguing Experience

I dream every night but the most fascinating one happened two nights ago.

It was dusk and I just alighted a bus. I walked towards my destination to meet Meyer when I met with a gang of three at the second traffic light. The girl said, "Let's rob her". She tried 'enlisting' a passer-by into their criminal act against me but *phew* this pedestrian refused and assisted me across the street.

When we reached the pavement on the other side, the threesome jumped on him and starting thrashing the daylights out of him. Poor guy. I was not spared ... I was assaulted with mj in my tummy. All I could care for at that moment was mj and I knew instinctively that I need to protect my baby.

With both courage and fear, I shielded my bulging belly from them.

How did I wake from my dream?

Just like mj knew what was happening, I was kicked on my right 5 times. All fast and strong. Gosh! Never had I experienced such furious kicks before. Was I beaten up by mj or was mj protecting me from the mob?

It is thought-provoking isn't it? Did mj feel my emotions for fear and pain? Did mj see the scenes in my head? Intriguing indeed.

Miracle

When I say this baby is a miracle, no one can really comprehend the significance of my deliverance. Unfortunately, I cannot find a better word to describe mj's existence. I am filled with sentiments as I write, thinking about how far life has come.

I got married at twenty-five because I wanted a family. Meyer and I tossed baby names in our daydreams since nineteen. I wanted four while he would say, "stop at two". When we got married and continued with our travels (and indulgences), he realized that he is not ready for a baby. We were young and our lives should be celebrated right now. The sheltered belief of enjoying life at retirement is not applicable anymore especially when we saw how my mum's cancer wrecked her golden years (and ours). We want to enjoy today like it was the last and that drew upon our current lifestyle. Saving for retirement is critical and so while luxuriating, we still must have the far-fetched future in mind.

People always think that life events will fall in place. I, too, felt that EVERYTHING in my life will fall in place. We will play, study, work, date, get married, have children, grow old and die peacefully. What a dream huh.

That is when we decided to keep protected for a year. A year passed and we were relishing in our marriage; without the duty of being parents. Meyer was loving his life so much, he thought it might be a good idea being childless! Wow! Sports Cars! Travels! Private Home! All the money for our own merriment! His wife wanted a baby though so he okay-ed. But Stop At One! *haha* "They are money suckers!" he would say. We didn't know then that One may be all we can ever wish for.

We were so sure a child will come our way since we lifted our 'ban'. 2008 ... 2009 ... 2010 ... 2011 ... with every 365 days, we were still childless. My husband's philosophy of life was becoming true while I sunk into the deep. We sought help from Chinese and Western medical practices. It did not help when my mum's dying wish was to have a grandchild. Gosh was I pressured with everything going on in my life.


2009

- Mother stressing for a grandchild

- Gynecologist says let nature takes its course

- Gynecologist finally being convinced to check on Meyer

- Results: Not Good

- Gynecologist did not check on me

- Requested for IUI

- Husband disagreed 

- Went TCM: I am too 'cold' while Meyer's too 'hot' 

- Quit job

2010

- Mother had cancer relapse

- Full-body check up suggested I had possibilities of ovarian cancer

- Start school
- Volunteer

- Mother stressing for a grandchild

- Saw the Chinese doctor every week for daily dosage of medication

- Gave up

- Got stressed by in laws, not for conceiving but to be the 'mother' of their second son's new-born because every one needs to work (except me cause all I do is to go to school, volunteer and care for my ailing mother)

- I was assigned to bath, feed, play, clean the baby when he was born

- I was assumed the task of planning the baby's first month party

- I was pulled into the discussion of how their two dogs are to disappear in their lives because the baby is more important
- Oh Piss Off. Seriously affected.

- Saw a fertility doctor

- Him: little live sperms 

- Her: (1) endometriosis, (2) right side of reproductive system not functioning at all, (3) womb not conditioned for baby, (4) uterus not in correct position, (5) vaginal entry not straight, (6) has a perpetual virus in body

- I need an operation to condition my reproductive system for conceiving

- Meyer says if God wants it this way, don't go against nature. He is not for assisted insemination or any operation that risked my health.

- Fertility doctor said even if I managed to conceive (miraculously), the whole pregnancy will be high-risk. My body will naturally expel the baby through contractions.

- "By the way", she added "due to the position of your womb, you can't get fertilized because his sperms will never reach your egg. There is only but one way. Your position of love-making needs to change."

2011

- Spent every week day in the hospital as mother's condition took a turn for the worse

- Father's never around

- Could not handle my anger and sadness on my own anymore

- Could not go for school examinations because mother was very sick

- Turned to counselling

- In June, Mother passed away

- In July, went to Australia for a holiday

- In August, returned to work

- In September, a miracle happened

miracle |ˈmirikəl|nouna surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency

Meyer's ability to fertilize is dropped by half because of his condition. While my ability to produce an egg for fertilization is dropped by three-quats because I have only my left side to depend on plus all the other reproductive issues. The most likely way for us to have a baby is to be assisted. So how did this precious gift end up on our laps when we weren't even trying?

We are so lucky to be bestowed upon this tiny miracle who is kicking me now. It is not explainable by natural or scientific laws. My gynecologist's (the fertility doctor) first words was, "this is a miracle". The stars are watching over me.

She went through our visits with,

"this baby is so strong"
"the heartbeat is so prominent"
"it is a fighter"

I went through miserable days, forgetting to count our blessings. I felt sick, useless, unloved, pain and everything that screamed negativity. The uneventful happenings stalked me every day and I was mournful, despondent, forlorn...

I am back on the road now, slowly but surely. Hearing that mj is fighting for his/her life makes me work doubly hard to ensure that he/she is safe in me.

19W5D Today!

My Swimming Baby Dragon

Bloomberg Nov 2011: 

"Many families are also likely to want their children born in 2012, the year of the dragon. Five percent more babies are born in a dragon year because the icon of China’s emperors symbolizes power and wealth, said Cheung Tak Hong, who runs the obstetrics and gynecology department at the Prince of Wales Hospital in Hong Kong"

The Straits Times Dec 2011: 

"From renovating maternity wards to dangling discounts in blood cord storage, the hospitals are hoping to attract mothers-to-be. Private hospitals are gearing up for a Year of the Dragon baby boom next year, as some Chinese parents still believe that those born under this Chinese zodiac sign are ambitious, creative and successful." 

The China Post Dec 2011:

"Amid the strong baby boom in the Year of the Dragon, a significant increase is seen in the number of sterile patients visiting gynecologists for medical treatment, according to Wu."

So there you are, there is a rush. Everyone wants a Dragon bundle of joy.

The general characteristics of a Dragon Baby are alertness, high energy and an enthusiasm to learn skills. They may be leaders from an early age whilst having a compassionate and friendly nature, making them sociable and easy to integrate into any group. Due to their inner strength they may be rather erratic and fickle in their early development; parents of Dragon babies will certainly know their lives have taken on a new dimension (on a very positive note). In Eastern philosophy, the Dragon is said to be a deliverer of good fortune and a master of authority. Therefore, those people born in Dragon years are to be honored and respected (just because the Emperor's deemed a Dragon?)

So since mj will be born in 2012, we will be anticipating a Water Dragon! Water Dragon Babies in particular will have great strength and a strong sense of self. During their development they will be able to find solutions easily and effortlessly and may develop a strong will when they feel they are not being heard (in other words, stubborn!). In Feng Shui the element of water relates to wealth so the arrival of a Water Dragon baby signifies monetary gains (4D? Toto?). The luck of those born in such a year improves when they are prepared to travel and change their residence often (So I see it's better to let our chick out of the nest when he/she is all grown up).

Now, I need to know if our Water Dragon will be have a good relationship with Metal Roosters (1981)! Many old folks validated its claims that it is the perfect combination because the home will have a Dragon 龍 and Phoenix 鳳. Let's see...

According to www.chineseastrology.com:

The Rooster and Dragon are soul mates and 2012 promises to be a stellar one for plucky Roosters. The industrious Rooster is many times the power behind the achievement oriented Dragon's throne. If adulation is what you seek, 2012 will definitely bring that to a peak! Roosters (especially 1933 Water Roosters & 1981 Metal Roosters) will enjoy very good luck, harmony within their family.

I am stupefied that people in this generation are still consulting the stars to plan for perfect harmony. Getting married in the Tiger or Rabbit year just to project in a little Dragon. For not so fertile fellows like these two Roosters at home, a baby is such a blessing. Who cares if baby's a Rat or Horse or Cat! We do not believe in the signs but the googling for the above information was really interesting. Now, I am worried about mj's Primary One Registration Exercise with so many Dragons in town! Remember May, you said you wouldn't be a kiasu parent ...

footnote for Phyllis (who believes only in western horoscopes and that she is at loggerheads with Geminis *hahah*):
GEMINI DRAGON: These are life's performers, taking pleasure in the company of others. Gemini Dragons can accomplish several tasks at once and are able to juggle many conversations successfully. However, taking on anything in depth is not really their style.

The Effects of a Wandering Mind

It brought me places many might find whimsical or even bizarre. I am unmistakably a thinker in Myer Briggs Personality test (no matter how many times I do it). Whether I had been critically or creatively thinking, I am nevertheless in a vicious cycle of introspection. That can be pretty wearying and daunting for a thinker herself.

I have learnt quite a fair share of the Mind in my Psychology classes. Our consciousness is only the tip of an iceberg. That is why I am intimidated by the deep ocean. It is too mysterious, too doubtful. You drown if your oxygen runs out and you risk bumping into a deep-sea angler. Holy cow! That will scare my skin off! The uncertainties of the deep murky light-less waters. Discovering the truths (your fears, your selfish needs or irrational wishes) can be quite a burden.

  

Meyer is perpetually amazed by the dreams I weave and so do I! They had been pretty imaginative I must say. Some left me flabbergasted by my own creativity, some left me a wet pillow to dry, while others left my heart pounding like I had just jumped off the platform without the bungee rope. It amazes me every time when I can feel my emotions so strongly in each dream. Every dream never felt like one. I was the main lead of a real life operation. 

I lassoed a whale while I was out on a fishing trip. The whale was so strong, she threw me out of my boat into the air as I hung onto my dear life. As she struggled off the rope, swimming onwards, I was violently tossed in mid-air. With that, I felt my heart drop (mind you, consciously). I experienced a roller-coaster ride, right here at home, in my dream. It was real. That feeling. My heart literally dropped.

In another dream, I held my mother's frail hand. She was standing there, unfortunately, with a crumbling face. I cried in my dream and the next thing I know, I cried myself awake. I felt that touch. I can still feel it now.

Yet in another, *haha* I dreamt that my palm's an ultra-sound scanner. It was so real in the dream I was darn sure I hadn't been dreaming. Seriously. As I place my palm around my belly, I saw mj (may/meyer junior) smiling back at me. All fully fomed and floating in the amniotic sac. The feeling was captivating. As I move my palm around towards the genital area, I saw nuts. *hahha* Well, is a boy isn't it? My gynae replied, "girls don't have testicles do they?" It was a fun dream and I was damned to have woken up. Mind you, the scan I dreamt was in 3D like the picture below. Oh goodness me.

I saw mj

I wouldn't go on with the over-sized bullcart Meyer drove that could go on both land and water or the insanity of sleepless nights when I had been thinking too much at night. There had never been a night that I had not dream. Every night is a tiring day-out for me. Well, since I am still stuck at home *shrugs*

your Name is your Identity, Love It!

What is your name?

Do you identify with it? If you don't, did you give yourself a name you prefer being addressed as? I have friends who gave me the privilege of naming them because they just couldn't live with their Chinese names. I, too, asked my mummy when I was little, "Why didn't you give me a Christian name?" She replied, "Isn't Liang May a nice name? You are Chinese." I had been ashamed of my name.

Christian names are given at baptism. It is traditionally a personal name formally given to Christians at christening. However, this is now loosely used as an English name for cross-cultural ease. We are concerned about how the caucasians might call us and hope to make their lives easier. Instead of "lee-ang-may", I might get a "lian-may". Instead of a Mrs "young", I might hear a Mrs "yee-ang". But hey,  why are we bothered about that? If we can adapt to their cultures, why not them? I don't see a need for us to change, add or subtract just to convenience them. Yes, they used to rule and we tailed behind their backs. Not anymore.

The influence of western cultures caught up with us in a mere decade or less. We are exposed to everything "ang mo" that we even (pretend to) cut up a five-tiered styrofoam wedding cake at weddings. Do we actually know the meaning of a wedding cake in a western culture? Have we been following the all-mighty (western) values and customs blindly. Well, don't forget, our roots are from China, Malaya and India. Nothing on us shouts WHITE!

How more horrible can this naming proceeding get? *hahah* when you give your child a very 'uneqqee' name and you pronounce it wrongly. What a joke!

The Mei-Lings and Ying-Yings are considered as old-fashioned but I find them intriguingly timeless. If the 'ang mos' can't pronounce Tham Kai Ming, they just call him 'Kai' for short! What's so complex about that?

So, Oh No! What's Junior gonna be called? I love naming my Jim Thompson elephants and I can give them names in a flash. In fact, I'm proud of the names I gave them but it is a tough one when it comes to your own child. I (We) like a lot of English names and they come storming into my (our) head(s) but I need to stick to my conviction! *hahah* So... the baby won't have a name until probably after birth because Meyer and I have an insubstantial list of chinese vocabulary to build a name after 杨. Someone else needs to name this little tot on our behalves.